What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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