angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
