the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
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i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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