My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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