Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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