I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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