If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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