Where is the hickey?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
