Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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