my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Even my vagina gasped.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
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Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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