You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
