tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
