Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
