drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
