You're so nebulous sometimes
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
