i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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