tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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