Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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