new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
