is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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