I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
