Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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