i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sober January is a disaster.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
