never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
