i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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