I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
organizing the empties. That sober.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
