So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I could make wine with my vomit
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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