I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
