I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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