she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
