Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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