I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
