my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
