I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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