I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
