I heard we made out
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
