Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
