I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When are your genitals available?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
