can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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