The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
