Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The adults are the big ones right?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
