To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
where am i from again
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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