I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
