he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
