I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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