Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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