and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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