420 ftw
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
