I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
