Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
