I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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