DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
