you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
