I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
