I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
