So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
