I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
