I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
